Self doubt is a loyal companion

I applied for my Masters this year. I now feel like I have a definite path I want to follow which includes art and helping people. I couldn’t think of a job more suited to me but it has taken years to get here. I have worked in retail for too long. I loved my last job, but I didn’t want to focus on the customer side, I preferred the organising, planning and creative side. Retail generally doesn’t pay that well and small companies can’t compete with large ones so I found myself stuck in a job I loved but with little financial progression.

It’s tricky.

I was not easy to give up work, I have supported myself since I was 15, that doesn’t mean my parents haven’t helped. They have a lot, financially as well as emotionally. I have also had to rely on Gavin for those things. I may not have earned as much as him but proportionally I have always paid my way. It’s hard to have to rely on someone’s finances even your husbands. To ask for money isn’t something I like to do.

I also like to shop which is why I am on a no spend month.

I applied for my Masters in January, a month later they asked me to update a few things which I did. Now its April and the cut of is May. This means, I don’t have long till I find out. Its nerve wracking, this is my future, my path that I am carving out for myself. At the beginning I was so sure I would get a place. Why wouldn’t they. I have been teaching art & crafts for 5 years and know I don’t want to be a full time teacher, but I loved the kids, watching them progress and learn. I always created a safe space for them to talk about what ever they wanted.

They did.

They spoke about politics and what was going on in the world. They talked about what scared them and what they wanted to be. They asked me questions and I answered them as long as it wasn’t too personal. This part, I loved.

I thought they would understand this about my application but now I think, maybe my drawings weren’t good enough, maybe my experience is too much teaching and less development. One of the issues I found was that I spend so much time with my students that my creative practice was almost non-existent. I haven’t drawn too much.

 The self doubt is clinging to me like a long lost lover.

It wont let me go until I know if I have a place or not. If I do get a place it will return loyally to my side at the start of term until I find my comfort zone. A mature student who finally figured out what she wants to be. If I don’t get a place then doubt will take me by the hand and let me aimlessly wander till I find focus again.

I have forgotten what it is to want something so much.

I will continue to check my emails 20 times a day just in case.

My fingers are crossed, I do wish that self doubt wasn’t such a loyal companion.

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