Coping with cancer and failing

Not sure if this is a funny story or not.

Gavin had had a bad day. A tube down his nose and throat was making him gag so he didn’t couldn’t talk. He hadn’t slept and looked tired and gaunt straight away i new he wasn’t himself. It was heartbreaking to see.

I still haven’t been able to hold him.

Without sounding self absorbed it was painful to watch, it hurts to see him so uncomfortable, lucky I had a train ride to clear my head so by the time I got home I was feeling better, well a bit.

I woke up the next day feeling okay, worried about how he was going to be as he had lots of friends booked into to see him. Before he went in to hospital he told me about about using the find my friend app to find your AirPods… which are on my keys.

I want my AirPods for the train journey so I try and locate my keys.

So I log on, and see I have left them in the park.

My AirPods and keys are in the fooking park.

I am out the door with the dog. When I get to the park I realise I am in the wrong park. It’s miles away.

Which means they are gone.

Someone has picked them up.

And the panic sets in.

All of a sudden I can’t cope. Tears are streaming and I can’t think clearly. I call my friend and breakdown on the phone.

She calms me down enough to walk home.

As soon as I am through the door the tears become hysterical and I call my father-in-law in blind panic.

This is my thought process.

I have lost my keys and AirPods.

What if I dropped them outside the house.

What if someone has my keys and knows where I live.

What if someone breaks in and steals my dog.

How can I explain to Gavin our house is unsafe.

I just couldn’t focus.

My father in law turns up and changes the locks then drops me off at the station.

I am on my way to see gav and I am so worried about what he is going to say that I start crying again.

A coffee and a twix later I reach into my bag and pull out my keys.


I relied on the app so I didn’t even try and search for them.

I message my friends to inform them I found it.


I couldn’t believe it.

It was the straw that broke the cancer camels back. I obviously needed a breakdown, a release. my husbands cancer has been dealt with so quickly I haven’t really processed it. Gav is feeling it physically and I am just an observer.

It’s hard to watch, you feel useless.

I am surrounded by lots of people I have a lot of support but it’s hard to be in your own head sometimes. I need to explain that in no way was I alone. My friend moved in with me so I wouldn’t be physically alone. She was the perfect distraction. We could chat, go to the pub, it was lovely, juxtaposed with watching my husband heal.

It is easy to feel like a failure but also, I know that the difficult bit is yet to come.

We have hard months ahead but I love my husband. He has been redicoulously strong. I know we can get though this.

You should just know that struggling failing and feeling empty is all part of the process.

It’s all natural. And as alone as you feel, hundreds of thousands of partners are going through this as I type.

Tell the people you love, you love them, and check your stool!

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