Dysfunctional Planner

I flick through pictures of myself and delete the images where my body looks pregnant. I carry all my weight on my stomach and feel horrendous for it. My weight struggle perhaps isn’t as tough as a lot of people’s by my misery is.

I find a picture where my stomach looks flatter and I say to myself, see, I am not that big.

I am not that big

But I am not that slim either. I hate what I am doing to my body as I cram another sandwich into my mouth. I listen to my self delusions.

I am on holiday!

It’s the weekend!

I am just going to treat my self!

And then I think of my partner and wonder how on earth this man can look at me and want me when I can’t even look at myself.

I am consumed with self delusions and a weight struggle.

I see a picture where I look slim and think yes that is what I look like when it’s not.

Perhaps it is time to face my delusions and tackle my weight loss head on. I am a planner, I love to plan but my execution is simply lacking.

I am simply lacking.

I planned to walk or run at least twice a week and yet I haven’t done it once.

It is too cold, too dark too hot. My excuses are always there. I think I am going to loose weight slowly and sensibly and okay I have been good but then I won’t deny myself a treat.

I need to focus and I need to loose this weight. If I can make it to a size 10 (us size 6) by Christmas I will be extatic. I thought I would be slimmer for this holiday but I failed miserably. So now I flip through photos trying to show my best life when it’s a joke.

I ate salad every day at work before I left but my belly is still there. Still saying hello and wobbling goodbye.

I walk a lot so my legs are pretty toned it’s just my stomach and my head I need to work on. I need to focus my mind on achieving the body I want.

The body that will make me proud and keep it up.

I love food and drink but I need to be smarter because what I am doing right now isn’t good enough.