I was never going to write this post. I didn’t really believe in looking back that far but then I got a notification. Facebook shared a post from over ten years ago. It was a brief message to the world sharing how much pain I was in.
It flashed up and I allowed my self a small smile at the pain that you can only feel when someone you love stops loving you. It was such a long time ago but I had decided to share it so publicly.
I don’t remember writing it but I am sure I wrote it hoping that the one it was aimed at would also feel pain or regret or at least guilt. At the end of the day it was my choice to emigrate to the other side of the world. It was also my choice to return back to the UK. To London where I had lived as a student and rebuild my life. Because except for my friends I really had nothing in London.
No home, no job and no family. London can be a very lonely place.
I allowed myself self reflection and thought about how much I had grown and all the things that would not be as they are now if that question had never been asked. The outcome would have been the same but maybe it would have been another six months of a bad feeling. 6 months of knowing it was over but refusing to let it go without a fight.
I had to ask.
Because I already knew.
“You don’t love me any more do you?”
I wanted to take them back the minute I said them. I wanted to fill my mouth and cram them back in. Each painful word piling on top of the other.But it was too late and they were true.
It was over.
It didn’t end as quickly as that, it dragged out and it doesn’t need repeating. There was no hate just hurt. No mean words but lots of sadness and confusion.
After Thailand, Seychelles and France I flew home.
I returned to London with a few hundred pounds and overstuffed suitcases. Just two pieces of luggage .
That was my life.
There were trials and tribulations and Becky and Charlotte looked after me. Offering me a roof over my head, helping me find work and a place to live.
I sorted myself out, my life out. It took time and a lot of dark moments. There were also a lot of wonderful moments too. Lots of laughter and possibilities.
I found myself again.
And then I found Gavin.
I needed time to heal so I waited before I put myself out there for love and trust.
So what I have learned about myself is that I am stronger than I ever thought. That building yourself up takes time and effort.
I am happy and lucky.
But most of all social media remembers everything. So if you don’t want people to know then keep it to yourself or Facebook will haunt you forever.