heartbreak

Things I have learned about myself

Advice, Personal Experience

I was never going to write this post. I didn’t really believe in looking back that far but then I got a notification. Facebook shared a post from over ten years ago. It was a brief message to the world sharing how much pain I was in.

Dana:

It flashed up and I allowed my self a small smile at the pain that you can only feel when someone you love stops loving you. It was such a long time ago but I had decided to share it so publicly.

I don’t remember writing it but I am sure I wrote it hoping that the one it was aimed at would also feel pain or regret or at least guilt. At the end of the day it was my choice to emigrate to the other side of the world. It was also my choice to return back to the UK. To London where I had lived as a student and rebuild my life. Because except for my friends I really had nothing in London.

No home, no job and no family. London can be a very lonely place.

I allowed myself self reflection and thought about how much I had grown and all the things that would not be as they are now if that question had never been asked. The outcome would have been the same but maybe it would have been another six months of a bad feeling. 6 months of knowing it was over but refusing to let it go without a fight.

I had to ask.

Because I already knew.

“You don’t love me any more do you?”

I wanted to take them back the minute I said them. I wanted to fill my mouth and cram them back in. Each painful word piling on top of the other.But it was too late and they were true.

It was over.

It didn’t end as quickly as that, it dragged out and it doesn’t need repeating. There was no hate just hurt. No mean words but lots of sadness and confusion.

After Thailand, Seychelles and France I flew home.

I returned to London with a few hundred pounds and overstuffed suitcases. Just two pieces of luggage .

That was my life.

There were trials and tribulations and Becky and Charlotte looked after me. Offering me a roof over my head, helping me find work and a place to live.

I sorted myself out, my life out. It took time and a lot of dark moments. There were also a lot of wonderful moments too. Lots of laughter and possibilities.

I found myself again.

And then I found Gavin.

I needed time to heal so I waited before I put myself out there for love and trust.

So what I have learned about myself is that I am stronger than I ever thought. That building yourself up takes time and effort.

I am happy and lucky.

But most of all social media remembers everything. So if you don’t want people to know then keep it to yourself or Facebook will haunt you forever.

D

What makes me sad: Manhattan disappeared

Personal Experience

On Friday 6 weeks ago Manny went out and never came back.

She is a rescue and just your average grey tabby with yellowy pale green eyes and beautiful black paws.

I am heart broken that my tiny cat has run away or been injured or worse killed.

I can’t tell you how much I am lost without her. She is my fur baby and I have had her for 10 years. I m hoping she will be at home curled up in the bed giving me a bored expression. Or better cry and run at me!

I thought it might be cathartic to tell you about how I came to own a beautiful cat like Manhattan.

Finding Manhattan

I used to work in Jigsaw so long ago. I worked in many of the stores, some of which aren’t there anymore but the Islington one is and that was my main shop.

I was the assistant manager ther and my friend and colleague Marianna went out for a cigarette, next to the vets. Mariana lives animals she ran in off her break and said( I should warn you she is quite dramatic)

Dana I have seen the most beautiful cat and I want him!

She then described a man walking into the vets with a cage full of cats and kittens. So I told her that if they are bringing them in like that to the vets then they are likely to be destroyed so if she wants him she should ask.

Killing the cats

She ran back into the shop screaming they are going to kill the cats.

They had already destroyed one.

But we saved the rest. I told the vets that however many they had left I would take them home.

I took home Inca and Manhattan. They thought manny was the mum even though she couldn’t be much older than 2.

She was scared, malnourished and hissy. Then will time and love she turned into the sweetest cat. Friendly affectionate. She acted like a puppy always following us around the house.

Heartbroken

I can’t tell you how guilty I feel and how much I miss her little face. That little cat has comforted me so much in my life and never asked for a lot in return. If you pet as ever gone missing you know how painful it is.

I just want her back.

This is what makes me sad. Not knowing. I hope she is happy and healthy.