I know there is no point getting stressed getting worried about the never ending list won’t solve anything and nor will eating my feelings
I thought I would be better at this.
Dealing with the stress.
It turns out when it comes to wedding planning, I am definitely a dysfunctional planner. I feel like I have left everything to the last moment and now its all getting on top of me.
I am lucky that I don’t suffer with anxiety. I have dark moments and blue days but nothing like the crippling anxiety I know that so many people struggle with day to day.
Except at the moment it here.
A lead weight in my chest. A dark hole in my brain that wants to shut down rather than get active.
I may just be tired, physically.
I know there is no point in getting stressed. I am actually on top of things and I still have a few weeks to go. 3 infact. And I can accomplish a lot in those weeks. Especially as the last one I am not at work at all.
But today I was quiet all day and I got so many side glances at work I knew they thought something wasn’t quite right.
Compulsive eater: saga of eating my feelings
Today I ate my feelings in the shape of Krispy Kremes. The first was a treat. The second was pure indulgence and the third was me dissolving into myself. Filling that void with pure sugar and eating it so quickly no one, not even myself could stop me. I crammed that thing into my mouth and it didn’t change a thing. I don’t enjoy it and I didn’t regret it.
Whenever I am angry or sad I crave bad food, today was not different except I am not sad but numb.
Numb and stuck.
I went to the gym for an hour this morning and then I destroyed my calorie intake in 9 bites.
I have support.
Every time I even hint I am stressed I am inundated with friends and family offering support and physical help.
I know what I need to do.
But I am stuck inside my own head and it’s a very quiet grey haunted place. To quote Bono
Stuck in the middle and you can’t get out of it
I will go home tonight, cook dinner and achieve a few wedding bits.
I will get a lovely puppy greeting and cuddle. A kiss from my fiancé a discussion about food and drink. Watch a few episodes of My Kitchen Rules Australia and Great British Bake off. I will read a bit of my new book as I tuck myself away for an early night at 10pm.
Pull my socks up and get on with it but it’s there.
tomorrow I will probably be fine before the next bout of anxiety nibbles away at me.
I am only writing this out loud because if anyone else is in the same situation then they should know that even though people don’t speak about it much it happens a lot.
Like I said before I don’t normally suffer from it all. I am truly blessed in that my mental health is pretty, well healthy.