January blues 1 me 0

Advice, health, self care

Last month was hard

So hard

I have never felt so low for so long, January blues 1, me 0.

I still functioned, still went to work, but my energetic levels were so low. I felt in the edge of tears all the time. I just want to be held and left alone at the same time. The sofa became my best friend again, offering me support and keeping me sedated.

I bored myself.

I can’t quite believe how low I felt. I let things slide, my house dissolved into a complete mess. I paid little attention to myself and I just didn’t care. Not finding the route of the problem was pissing me off.

I pissed myself off.

I think it was a combination of two things. I think I was suffering from S.A.D seasonal affective Disorder which means that the grey sky’s and lack of sunlight where making me unhappy but also my diet didn’t help. SAD is about a lack of melatonin that you normally.

I had an apple today and realised that unless there was fruit in my dessert I hadn’t had fresh fruit since November! The Pink Lady I had today was joyful and refreshing. I also ate too much take out and processed food. This isn’t good, it didn’t help my mental state.

What did I learn

That next year I am going eat better.

Give up Diet Coke except if I am on holiday or socialising.

Exercise more but also I won’t be so hard on myself.

S.A.D is a real thing and I am allowed to be blue.

I had a few really shit days. And that’s okay because I am getting through this. I got through it. Next year I will be better prepared!

Any tips for getting through the winter months will be greatly appreciated!

Today I ate my feelings

Advice, Personal Experience

I know there is no point getting stressed getting worried about the never ending list won’t solve anything and nor will eating my feelings

I thought I would be better at this.

Dealing with the stress.

Being organised.

It turns out when it comes to wedding planning, I am definitely a dysfunctional planner. I feel like I have left everything to the last moment and now its all getting on top of me.

I am lucky that I don’t suffer with anxiety. I have dark moments and blue days but nothing like the crippling anxiety I know that so many people struggle with day to day.

Except at the moment it here.

A lead weight in my chest. A dark hole in my brain that wants to shut down rather than get active.

I may just be tired, physically.

I know there is no point in getting stressed. I am actually on top of things and I still have a few weeks to go. 3 infact. And I can accomplish a lot in those weeks. Especially as the last one I am not at work at all.

But today I was quiet all day and I got so many side glances at work I knew they thought something wasn’t quite right.

Compulsive eater: saga of eating my feelings

Today I ate my feelings in the shape of Krispy Kremes. The first was a treat. The second was pure indulgence and the third was me dissolving into myself. Filling that void with pure sugar and eating it so quickly no one, not even myself could stop me. I crammed that thing into my mouth and it didn’t change a thing. I don’t enjoy it and I didn’t regret it.

Whenever I am angry or sad I crave bad food, today was not different except I am not sad but numb.

Numb and stuck.

I went to the gym for an hour this morning and then I destroyed my calorie intake in 9 bites.

I have support.

Every time I even hint I am stressed I am inundated with friends and family offering support and physical help.

I know what I need to do.

But I am stuck inside my own head and it’s a very quiet grey haunted place. To quote Bono

Stuck in the middle and you can’t get out of it

I will go home tonight, cook dinner and achieve a few wedding bits.

I will get a lovely puppy greeting and cuddle. A kiss from my fiancé a discussion about food and drink. Watch a few episodes of My Kitchen Rules Australia and Great British Bake off. I will read a bit of my new book as I tuck myself away for an early night at 10pm.

Pull my socks up and get on with it but it’s there.

tomorrow I will probably be fine before the next bout of anxiety nibbles away at me.

I am only writing this out loud because if anyone else is in the same situation then they should know that even though people don’t speak about it much it happens a lot.

Like I said before I don’t normally suffer from it all. I am truly blessed in that my mental health is pretty, well healthy.