Today I ate my feelings

Advice, Personal Experience

I know there is no point getting stressed getting worried about the never ending list won’t solve anything and nor will eating my feelings

I thought I would be better at this.

Dealing with the stress.

Being organised.

It turns out when it comes to wedding planning, I am definitely a dysfunctional planner. I feel like I have left everything to the last moment and now its all getting on top of me.

I am lucky that I don’t suffer with anxiety. I have dark moments and blue days but nothing like the crippling anxiety I know that so many people struggle with day to day.

Except at the moment it here.

A lead weight in my chest. A dark hole in my brain that wants to shut down rather than get active.

I may just be tired, physically.

I know there is no point in getting stressed. I am actually on top of things and I still have a few weeks to go. 3 infact. And I can accomplish a lot in those weeks. Especially as the last one I am not at work at all.

But today I was quiet all day and I got so many side glances at work I knew they thought something wasn’t quite right.

Compulsive eater: saga of eating my feelings

Today I ate my feelings in the shape of Krispy Kremes. The first was a treat. The second was pure indulgence and the third was me dissolving into myself. Filling that void with pure sugar and eating it so quickly no one, not even myself could stop me. I crammed that thing into my mouth and it didn’t change a thing. I don’t enjoy it and I didn’t regret it.

Whenever I am angry or sad I crave bad food, today was not different except I am not sad but numb.

Numb and stuck.

I went to the gym for an hour this morning and then I destroyed my calorie intake in 9 bites.

I have support.

Every time I even hint I am stressed I am inundated with friends and family offering support and physical help.

I know what I need to do.

But I am stuck inside my own head and it’s a very quiet grey haunted place. To quote Bono

Stuck in the middle and you can’t get out of it

I will go home tonight, cook dinner and achieve a few wedding bits.

I will get a lovely puppy greeting and cuddle. A kiss from my fiancé a discussion about food and drink. Watch a few episodes of My Kitchen Rules Australia and Great British Bake off. I will read a bit of my new book as I tuck myself away for an early night at 10pm.

Pull my socks up and get on with it but it’s there.

tomorrow I will probably be fine before the next bout of anxiety nibbles away at me.

I am only writing this out loud because if anyone else is in the same situation then they should know that even though people don’t speak about it much it happens a lot.

Like I said before I don’t normally suffer from it all. I am truly blessed in that my mental health is pretty, well healthy.

Confession time

Organising, Planning

Day29, a confession, 30 day blog challenge.

I have Destiny child Confession song going through my head.

Confessions

I have a few.

I never thought I would complete this challenge after all this is a goal I set for myself. I wanted to do it and I know that after the wedding I will do it again because I thoroughly enjoyed it. I will just need to find a different set of challenges to complete.

I know I said at the beginning that I never complete things but I mean like never!

This is actually an achievement for me.

Writing

I didn’t write all my blogs on the day. A few I wrote on one day and then went through them and corrected a few mistakes. I think that my grammar in general on this challenge is poor and I need to work on that.

Do I feel like I cheated?

Nope.

I still got them out every single day, I worked on them every day.

The trickiest part was the photographs. Sometimes it was easy picking them. Sometimes it was difficult and I had to travel through my photos and find them.

When I couldn’t do that I set up a mini studio in my dining room table. Bought some props and took the photos.

It was work but I enjoyed it! I had to plan it, if I had winged it then you wouldn’t have had a blog every day!

Organisation is key

I think this is going to be another short blog and I don’t really like them when they are too short. But we all have a few confessions to make.

Brief confessions

  • Gav I ate all the french chocolate
  • Manny I took you for granted
  • Trainers I don’t use you enough
  • I like to buy fitness clothes and sit on the couch
  • Gav I ate all the sour cherries
  • I wish I had more time before the wedding
  • I am glad of where I am

My worst habit, procrastinating

Personal Experience, Planning

Day 22 what’s your worst habit, 30 day blog challenge.

I thinks it’s everyone’s worst habit isn’t it?

Putting off things to do later or an a later day. This weekend has been wonderful. We had an amazing day walking in East London where I used to live!

It’s spring so it’s all about the bluebells. We then had an impromptu picnic in the park and had a mini pub crawl!

It was bloody wonderful.

Then the next day I did some wedding catch up with my bestie. It was great drinking, shopping laughing.

Sunday was a proper rest day. I had a big list of things to do but I left them all till today.

Procrastinating is definitely my worst habit

I always put things off it’s why I have to be a slave to my lists and bullet journal.

My list this weekend was small!

  • Plant my dahlias
  • Buy running shoes (yup)
  • Find wedding glasses ( think we found them)
  • Try making the favours ( failed but will try again
  • Clean up the garden
  • Wash and dry clothes for the week ahead
  • Answer work emails (done)
  • Gut the kitchen
  • Organise my art supplies
  • Dye napkins

Not a massive list for 4 days but today I need to these things in one.

Because I have procrastinated so much I have left the majority till the last minute. Too late.

I still plan to do it all, getting up at 9am has helped!

At work I have to stick to my list. I try an deal with problems straight away because when I put something off it builds up into a larger issue when it never needs to be.

So procrastinating is definitely my worst habit.

I need to just do it!

What’s your worst habit?

Healthy habits, does chocolate count?

body confidence, food, health, Personal Experience

Day 14, 3 healthy habits, 30 day blog challenge.

I am slightly over weight, a sugar addict and lazy! So writing about 3 healthy habits seems a bit hypocritical however. I am trying to tone up and loose weight so I have change 3 things which is definitely a healthy habit.

Farewell Diet Coke

Like most people when they start dieting you give up the heavenly full fat drinks and swap them with diet drinks.

I became addicted we are talking 8 cans a day of Diet Coke. If I was hungry I would have one, every meal including breakfast I would have one. I felt like the fact that it had no calories meant that I could have it all the time.

Wrong

I started cutting back after Christmas when I ordered 3 crates of coke and Gav said it wasn’t healthy. When you rely on something too much then it’s a bad habit. It need to be kicked so I stopped.

I cut it down to two cans a day. Which was still a lot but at least it was something. This year I decided to cut out plastic water bottles. So cans of coke are harder to find.

Cutting back

When I went on holiday to Bulgaria I failed with my plastic bottles and diet coke wasn’t as everywhere so I treated myself to full fat coke!

But when I returned from holiday I didn’t buy any coke. At work I swapped my coke for squash because for some reason I wasn’t drinking enough water. I know squash isn’t that great. But I am drinking 4 litres of water everyday.

Swapping coke for water and squash is definitely a step in the right direction.

As you saw from my fridge yesterday there is no coke for either me or Gav. We both have a can but I still haven’t drunk it yet! If will be my Sunday treat!

Aurevoir chocolate

I had a lot of twix o’clock at work. Basically I now understand that I am an emotional eater. If I am upset then or annoyed then I want chocolate. Twix O’clock became a 2pm habit. I like to reward myself for everything!!!

It had to end. I am not going to deny myself chocolate but I definitely do not need it everyday. But a few times a week is fine. My skin doesn’t appreciate too much sugar so it better to cut right down. Plus I love celery so I cut it up and pop it in Tupperware. When I want to eat I something I can tuck into my cut up veg.

How good does that twix look!

Getting my arse into gear

So my last healthy habit is walking home. I get the bus to and from work. Living and working in London means that public transport is super cheap.

We now have lighter evening so roads and pathways don’t look so scary. So far I have walked home 3-4 times every week for the past 2 weeks . The weather hasn’t been great but it hasn’t stopped me.

My body is grateful for the exercise and fresh air. Plus it’s spring, so all the blossoms are out and my Instagram and a few of my blogs have had spring themes and lots of blossoms on them.

When I get home Gav meets me at the door with Frank and we go and walk him in the park. I have a wee bit more energy and my skin looks better.

Even though I should not reward myself I don’t feel so bad for eating a piece ( a whole bar, I am a compulsive eater) of chocolate.

But walking isn’t just about physical health. My 45 minute walk home clears my head. I listen to music and zone out. Walking has left me in a meditative state. I come home happy. The weather hasn’t bothered me.

I have given myself a task of 70000 steps a week and so far I have smashed it. I just need to keep going!

In summary

When I was photographing this I wanted to hurry up so I could drink the Diet Coke, it’s 10am so I will make myself wait! I also ate the celery, yum and will eat the chocolate later.

I am trying to be healthy, getting fit for the wedding. I have saved money walking home. I am saving roughly £24 a month so… I am going back to the gym. It’s only £36 a month and I miss it. I can go before work, my work mates go every day.

It about changing your mindset and creating a habit that you stick too. I am drinking more water (squash) walking home and cutting out my chocolate snacks for fruit and veg!

Things are getting better and I am feeling better!

Watch this space!

Productive Week wedding Planning

Advice, Organising, Planning, Wedding

Its very rare that I have a brilliant week in one go. But this week has been super productive already.

We have we have ticked off

  • Booked food vendor
  • Chosen menu
  • Booked our cake tasting
  • Closer to booking the entertainment
  • I purchased some wonderful Drunk Elephant skincare to try
  • Found a local hair salon to help me get rid of my weird blond streaks
  • Arranged a space for myself ( blog to follow
Monthly spread for Bullet journal

Here is a truth universally acknowledged in the world of wedding vendors…

Sometimes they don’t get back to you.

Because they are super busy and have a million weddings before you.

You will physically have to chase them. We have done it with both the entertainment and the food. Now just to reassure you reader, I don’t mean stalk and harass. I just mean email them, call them follow it up with another email… all over the space of a few months. We really want our guests to have an amazing time, so food and music is really important to us.

And they still don’t get back…. honestly the food was worth the wait and I think our guests from all over will be super happy with the food.

The entertainment are reluctant to book with us until 6 months before but they pencilled us in. This scares us only because if they turn around and cant work our wedding we will have to search for someone else, and the first one I wanted were already booked! This band is Gavs first choice and we both agree they suit us perfectly and they already do an amazing version of our song! ( hence the reason why I let him pick his over mine).

Our food vendors where just busy, thy are getting more and more popular but honestly I could eat there food everyday and be happy.

It can just be frustrating when your to do list is a million miles long and you just want to tick them all off.

Soho Bun House

A good week

The week started off on Sunday with a gorgeous meal at the Soho Bun House, where in the restaurant they don’t serve buns but the food was so good we didn’t care! My uni friends like to meet up monthlyish to catch up. We all love eating and drinking (slight understatement we get super excited about trying new places)

The boys went off to a gig and we decide to stay out for one more and visit Basement Sate which Gav had been raving about for months. It didn’t disappoint. Even though i am a huge gin drinker I just love a gin and tonic I don’t need a gin cocktail. I like to taste the gin. My taste buds always head toward whiskey cocktails, Old-fashions etc. The After Slate was beyond yummy.

Being Grateful

Last week I wrote a post about being grateful and pre-thanking people. I think it is so easy to forget the person you are marrying.

Gav loves to tease me constantly. Most of our conversation are spoken with a grin on his face because he is about to take the piss out of me. Its all in good humour but sometimes it gets a bit much.

Then I remember how thoughtful and kind he is. How wonderful he can be. We had a bit of personal good news this week and so to celebrate he picked up some Chinese pork buns from Soho Bun House ( which we missed out on last time). had a feast at home.

We don’t celebrate Valentines Day, ever.

It just doesn’t interest me or him so we don’t we just like to spend it together.

Goals for Feb in Bullet Journal

Round Up

I can’t tell you happy I am that I can tick these things of the list. It just feels so productive. What we realised after such a good week is that we have all the major elements complete. We now need to focus on the detailed bits.

Wedding planning can be stressful not like other things in life but still stressful. Lack of communication from everyone! Difference of opinion on details. I think when people say its not stressful they have already forgotten how much effort they put into a wedding.

There is also a massive difference when your venue is all inclusive and not like ours where we just have the space and have to bring in everything we want.

But it will be wonderful and we cant wait.

Thank you for joining me on our wedding journey.