Dreading the Wedding Dress

I have dreamt of my wedding day for years. It has made me think differently about my body, my weight gain and my general health.

They do say that having goals is a great way to get in shape but I had no idea how ashamed of myself I was.

I have an idea in my head of what I wanted but it has been changing since my search began.

Since we found our venue the look and feel of the wedding has changed because it didn’t suit it. I don’t want to spend a fortune on a dress I am going to wear once, in saying that, I still want to look my best. I am researching vintage, second hand you name it. Which means I know the sort of idea of what I want but now I have to go out and find it.

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Feature and dress image https://pixabay.com/

So, I started thinking about trying on a dress.

The dress.

I used to work in retail so I tend to just buy clothes without trying them on. Plus with my expanding waistband I didn’t fancy tiny dressing rooms with mirrors that highlight your flaws.

No ta.

You can’t really do that with a wedding dress which is a shame because there have been a few Ebay numbers that have caught my eye and I do want my mum and bridesmaids there as I try it on. A bottle of bubbles beforehand and then lovely lunch afterwards.

I can see it all in my head.

And looked down at my body as my rolls of stomach rolled over the next rolls on my stomach. I was a size 14 so not massive but I hated my body.

Mainly my belly and those gorgeous swinging bingo wings I have acquired reaching for the remote control.

I hate my body

Hate it.

It is not what it used to be and I have let it get out of shape.

I used to be skinny, too skinny for my 5”7 frame and I could eat anything … anything I wanted, until I fell in love. Then I got bigger and bigger. Then came the break up and I would go back to my old size again and then I met him… and I ate and cooked. We went out, drank and ate, I am such a feeder.

I love food.

But now my favourite things are turning against me and absolute truth is- I won’t give them up. I won’t, I enjoy them too much.

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Working In Cockburn Street Size 6/8, Singing in Brighton with Jess size 10, Me and Him: size 12

I am a compulsive eater, if I buy a bag of donuts, I will eat them all. I have consumed 12 gorgeous glazed Krispy Cremes in one day. Just thinking about them makes me want to eat them now.

My trick is not to buy them, because then I don’t eat them. I can’t.

The thought of standing in front of my family in a beautiful dress in the bridal shop and feeling deflated fills me with dread. This feels like the first time I went snowboarding, where my knees locked and I just burst into tears.

I did not know how to react to this. I thought I was supposed to be excited about this. Trying on the dress of my dreams.

I am feeling anxious about feeling anxious which I know is insane.

I know it happens all the time, that brides feel overwhelmed and disappointed in themselves and it has nothing to do with the shops, its self-confidence. If I had walked in, stood tall (definitely helps with the belly rolls) and looked at dresses, it would not of have been a problem. At all, but instead I started thinking about it.

Over thinking

I was filled with absolute dread that only those donuts could fix. I couldn’t bear it.

Taking off my cloths in front of a stranger and trying on delicate dresses. It is bringing me out in a sweat just thinking about it. I want to hide my body in a full Bridget Jones onesie, do they make those? I want my thighs belly and boobs covered.

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Me and My lovely sister: a healthy size 10

Then I turned to YouTube and the first post that came up was Lydia Elise Millen trying on dresses and she looked beautiful in absolutely all of them. Now she is a stunning girl, beautiful. But she is very confident.

So I took a step back from myself and thought about what I wanted from myself.

I am happy with my funny face and big curly hair but the things I can change are my health, my skin and my body shape.

This is achievable and I have over a year to achieve it

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I don’t have to fad diet as I don’t agree with it, a quick fix is never sustainable.

I want to be fit now and ten years after I get married. Not just skinny for my wedding, I want to be fit and healthy.

I want to #bemybestself and #livemybestlife but still enjoy what I eat. I will never ever give up cheese, no way!

Running with Frankie in the snow size 14

Before I got engaged I joined a gym. I was going before work 3 times a week and miraculously I was keeping it up. I didn’t however change my dietary habits and used it as an excuse to eat and drink more. So, although I wasn’t gaining any weight I wasn’t losing any either.

My body was at a standstill, a slightly more toned standstill but still a standstill.

Then Frankie came into our lives (pictured). A cute mischievous French bulldog puppy (10 months) who needed a new home and consumed our lives. He filled our home with poop, joy, barks, sleepless nights and vets bills (Frenchie’s eat everything) and as much as he can be a nightmare we love him so much he is already such a big part of our family.

He also filled my early gym time mornings with walks and my autumnal evenings also with walks. I wasn’t going to the gym.

It became a waste of money, money that I needed to save for the wedding and £36 x 22 ( the months till my wedding) isn’t a tiny sum of money. I decided to quit the gym and put that money into my saving account, ironically enough, it’s my wedding dress fund.

The plan was to start running, but it was mid-winter and I don’t like running in the dark. The idea of slipping on a leaf or dog poop and twisting an ankle before snow boarding was not an option.

So I looked at my diet.

This I could change, small steps to begin with but better healthier steps (I almost wrote chips then (mmm cheesy chips.)

No more full fat coke- I am now addicted to diet coke.

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Me at my brother wedding surrounded my my loved ones: size 12

I saw a great advert where they said stop watching fitness and start living it. I researched meals, dinner plans you name it, but I have settled on drinking lots of water and calorie counting.

Sounds dull I know but I have the “lose it” app and I love it. I set my goal at 3 stone. Now I monitor everything I eat and I eat what I want. I am honest with it.

Though I hate when I have a big night out and realise that I have gone over what I wanted to eat and drink.

Since January I have lost a stone and kept it off. You cannot tell I have lost any weight except my belly rolls don’t roll over each other any more they are a bit tighter. I feel fitter and trimmer and although loosing another two stone sounds like a lot of weight. It will put me in the healthy BMI bracket which I would love to be in again.

I can imagine trying on a dress now, my goal tracker says as long as I keep doing what I am doing then I should be my ideal weight by this September!

Which means I will have an entire year to deal with more wobbles.

The calorie tracker has made me look at things differently. I cut out sugar out of my tea, that half a teaspoon of sugar I have been fighting my grown-up life has gone.

My wedding goal made me drop it easily and now I wouldn’t want to put it back in. It also made me realise that I eat way too much dominos and Indian food.

I can eat everything I want just not over eat: I am still a compulsive eater.

After my Snowboarding trip I plan to start running again. I can go from work and it’s a fairly pleasant 30-35 minute run back home. Also saves money on the bus which is going straight in the wedding fund oh yes!

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Snowboarding holiday in  Flaine on a 14k blue run; size 12

How does he feel about my body?

He was horrified when I said I was aiming for a size 10, until I told him I was a size 8 when he met me (he always thought I was far too skinny). He loves me.

He loves my body.

He doesn’t think I should be ashamed of it but he hates hearing me moan about it. He is supporting me in my healthier changes and it is rubbing off on him as well. He has swapped his ale for gin (far less calories) and doesnt mind the old salad now and then.

I am looking forward to feeling fitter and healthier.

My skin has already improved. My hair looks healthy I am having far more better hair days and I am proud of myself.

I am starting to plan my wedding dress visit: Rock the Frock here I come.

I can do this. Sadly, I had to shame myself into realising that I have been unhappy with my shape for years now. I have to stop wining about it and keep achieving it.

I am motivated

I will do this!